July 28 - 2000

It seems almost a year since my last Birthday, when in fact it was only 25 days ago..... this has been the longest month!

George was released from hospital 2 weeks ago, they said they could do no more for him. He could barely get out of the car when we got home. His ability to support himself and walk has gone and thanks to the hospital not allowing him out of bed to relieve himself, he's now incontinent as well. Never have I seen anyone change so dramatically for the worse in the matter of a couple of weeks. His health has taken a complete nose-dive.

Many moons ago I used to find sites in the WWW written by people personally involved with dementia and alzheimer's patients. I used to cry bucket loads of tears for them and thank God that George wasn't that bad, yet. He's been lucky, if you could call it that, over the past 4 years because his degeneration has been slow. Up to the beginning of this month he was able to get around without assistance, fed himself, help make the bed....

That's no longer the case.

He's having trouble eating and drinking, can't walk, can't support himself to stand up. I know he's dying.... I just think it's so unfair that he has to linger... and I'm sure he's in pain, even though he can't tell me.. Every day he gets worse... NO ONE should have to end their life like this.

I've had to learn to change the bed with him in it which is tough when he won't roll over for me and I hate making him move incase it hurts. Sponge bathing and changing him is another lesson I've learned... I no longer throw up. Amazing how one learns to cope. Maybe it's because my nose is still stuffed with the remains of the flu and my sense of smell is weaker....

However, I'm just taking each day as it comes now. The doctor has been here this week.... even though they couldn't do any more for him in a nursing home, he suggested that's what I do... admit him to a nursing home. I just can't... not because of the resulting factors if the Protective Office got involved at this late stage, but why should he die in strange surroundings?

We've had lots of good times over the past 30 years, and a few bad times... but then who hasn't. No matter what, George always made sure I was cared for and nearly always got my own way *S*. We used to have 'digs' at each other which other people never understood, we didn't care. They thought we were really 'rubbishing' each other.

I wish with all my heart he could be at peace. In his complete confusion now, he understands very little or maybe he understands more than I know, he just can't respond.

Except for the dementia, I went through this with my Dad just over a year ago. But at least he got his wish, he was very, very tired and just wanted to sleep and not wake up. The difference is, I could at least talk to my Dad, up to the end and he would talk to me and I thank God for that becuase I knew my Dad just wanted to 'go'.. But George can't communicate and that's what hurts the most. I've told him how I feel, I've gone over our life together, the times we laughed, the times I cried ( he never cried ) but I don't know if he understands.

Each morning when I get up I go straight to his room and pray the Lord has been kind, but instead I find him in all states of disarray. Where I tucked him in at night to make sure he is warm ( it's freezing here these last few nights ) he's got all the covers off, half his clothes off and his hands and feet are like blocks of ice.

Nothing else matters these days, all I can do is try to make him comfortable as possible and warm as possible.

I can't write any more.....

July 29 - 2000

I got Jared ready for his Dad to pick up to take to swimming lessons this morning, grabbed a quick cup of coffee while I made George's breakfast. George had such a rotten day yesterday.....

I took in his breakfast, but he had passed away....

He finally has some peace. I thank the Lord for answering my prayers.

Maybe something inside told me yesterday would be his last day of suffering. Maybe that's why I spent time going over things in our life that we'd shared together, not knowing if he understood what I was saying, He was so cold, even then, he didn't need to have another day like yesterday.

What can I say... I have 30 years of memories, more than half my lifetime................

Jamie

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